It's Okay to be Imperfect
by Veronica Saunders
I've had a hard life. Apart from abuse, I've been told repeatedly to be quiet, to not complain. I've been told that I'm not important and that nobody wants to hear what I have to say. I've been told that I have to shine enough to make those around me look good but not enough to take any attention away from them.
The message my brain picked up loud and clear was that I was not perfect and that this was not okay therefore I was not okay. In fact I was a poor quality person in general. I was crushed as any little child would be. Over time I worked as hard as I could to prove that I wasn't as bad as I was led to believe. The only way I could do that was to be perfect.
I hated to cause pain to other people. I couldn't live with guilt. I know how bad pain felt and to cause pain to other people was wrong, I knew that. But there was another element to this as well. If I was perfect then what I was told had to be wrong so that would make a lie of the belief that I was not worthy of love.
If I was perfect then just maybe somebody would want to hear what I had to say. Maybe I was ok. Maybe somebody would love me one day. I went through life trying to make sure that I did not hurt people. I was polite, I would not interfere or try to stand out too much. I gave as much of myself as I could to whoever I could. Over time I achieved a lot and became proud of who I was, but it started to stand out easily to me when others did things that were not 'right' as I saw it. I noticed when people were lazy and just did not want to make themselves do the right thing. I saw myself as somebody who was not important or special in anyway and believed that if I could do the right thing, then other people could too. I also saw very clearly how many excuses people would make up to just 'not bother'. I ended up seeing the world as a big messy place where people were just too lazy to do what is right, but I also saw people as being capable of doing the right thing. I felt that the potential was there but was not being used.
So what do I do? Well, I thought that I would try to be as good a person as I can but that didn't work for me. I soon found that I attracted people who would use or take advantage of me. To fix this, I figured I would have friends who would give back as much as I did. I soon realized that this was not realistic because those people will give what they feel is right. So I looked for qualities such as loyalty and honesty in people. I figured if they at least had those qualities then we'd just make the rest work. After all, it's easier to have a friendship if two people share similar ethics or views on life.
Loyalty is so hard to find these days and lying is commonplace. I remember my parents telling me how the legal profession started telling people to never admit guilt because it would guarantee them a loss in their court case so soon people applied that way of thinking to all areas of their life. It has gotten to the stage where hardly anyone takes responsibility for their actions and instead they choose to use excuses to explain their behaviour or to cover up what they do, even if they don't mean to do anything wrong.
Of course I'm generalising. There are many good people in the world who do take responsibility for what they do. But there seem to be many more who do not. I have always held my head up high with pride knowing that I do not deliberately hurt anyone or do anything unethical or dishonest. This is so I can go through life feeling good about myself, desperately proving my family and others wrong.
People respect me and care about me but others hate me. They tell me that it's easy for me to do the right thing but it's hard for them. They see me as judgemental and self righteous. Some think it's easier for me to achieve than it is for them. In short, if they see me as being better than them in any way they hate me for it. Of course it's not easier for me but over time I did get into the habit of doing the right thing and did not have to think about it as much so in that way I guess it got easier.
To be truthful, I don't see myself as being better than anyone else. I know I'm flawed just like anyone is. I have my vices, my imperfections. I don't see imperfections as being bad. While people strive to be perfect (myself included) I understand that this is not possible. No person is perfect. It doesn't stop me though because it's right to avoid hurting others. So I see the perfect person as being one who has imperfections. This is how nature created us and it's for a very good reason. It's so we make mistakes. If we don't make mistakes we don't learn.
Today someone said something that shook me up a little and really made me think. He said that I never seem to worry about the things I do wrong, but instead look so hard at problems with other people. I thought about this and realized that although I have always worried about what I do wrong and have tried to avoid doing the wrong thing as much as possible, he's got a good point. I don't purposely seek out imperfections in other people, but because I am on my journey to perfection, I am on the lookout for it so I have learned to recognize imperfections in myself. This means that I also recognize them easier in other people. I realized that I do automatically look for them in other people now as he said. I don't do this because I want to pick on them or because I see myself as better but it's to avoid problems. If I'm aware of the flaws in another person, then I know when to stay out of the way or how to work around them so that I can have a good relationship with them. In theory it seems like a smart idea.
But I realized today that without meaning to, I have trained myself to be less accepting of people's ways. I split their behaviours and personalities into categories...this is the good side and this is the not so good side. I realized that this person who commented does not categorise people in this way. He accepts them wholly for who they are. He sees when they are up to no good and deals with them accordingly and honestly but he also accepts their imperfections and is at ease with them. I have not been. I have seen them as a threat to me and so without meaning to I worked hard to change people. I would become an even better example of good behaviour so that they could use the same behaviours if they choose to. I would make comments to get them to think about their behaviour and I would say so if I felt that what they did offended me. Part of this is because I believe that we should all respect others and think about how our behaviour affects them. But part of it was also to control others and this is not right.
I learned today something so valuable I will never forget it. I learned that I have spent my life trying to be perfect because I was taught that I was imperfect and that this is not okay. Today I learned that this is wrong. I'm amazed because I always knew that being imperfect was how we are supposed to be and so I always thought I accepted it. But today I learned that I hadn't. Emotionally I've been uncomfortable with it and so tried to remove it when it affected me personally.
So I don't have to feel threatened by the actions, words and behaviours of other people because it may never affect me. I don't have to wipe it out before it does. I can use the wise example this person has given and deal with issues when they happen. The rest of the time I can just accept imperfection as being a part of life in general and focus on making me the best person I can while letting other people do that for themselves. After all, it's not for me to decide how people should or should not behave.
Without realizing it, I ended up doing to other people what was done to me. I could pinpoint where I thought they needed improving and this showed through in my actions and words even though I never meant for it to. But thanks to this person who cared enough about me to be honest, I learned finally once and for all, that I am okay and always have been. There never was anything wrong with me. I have always deserved love and kindness and all the rest of it because it's ok to be imperfect and these things are not exclusively given to perfect people as I thought they were.
If you have someone around you who points out where you are not perfect, know that this is their issue, not yours. You are okay just as you are and always will be.