The cycle of life - coping with death
by Vanessa Crompton
We live in a society which does not treat death with the same joy as birth. In birth we gather and celebrate the introduction of a new person into our lives. Death is the end cycle of life, and instead it is seen as a time of sorrow by many in our society.
I would like to suggest another way to view death...
I have a strong belief in the afterlife, and that death is a natural part of the cycle in life. In fact I believe it is a privilege to be part of the cycle, birth or death. That love is the most important thing that we share with one another. It is hard to loose a loved one and in our sorrow we shed tears and sometimes react in anger. This is normal as we are still only human. We are dealing with the loss of loved ones and the continuing of our lives without them. Grief is a part of the healing process for those left behind.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross has done extensive research in the experience of dying. She viewed the process of dying as being a process of five stages, the first stage being that of denial, refusing the accept the inevitable, the second stage consists of anger, the person being unable to continue denying the process of death, the third stage is where the person moves into a bargaining state, once the realisation of death is terminal, the person may try and bargain with either medical staff, friends, family members or even god to extend their lifespan, the fourth stage is depression, where the other three stages have failed to postpone the process of dying and finally the fifth stage happens where acceptance of the inevitable death occurs (1).
Of course, not everyone follows these five steps, not everyone reaches acceptance. But I would suggest that these stages of coping with grief can be applied to the family as well, as they are also going through this transition and acceptance of the death of their loved one. Also, these stages are not set in concrete; in fact many people travel backwards and forwards through these stages, from denial, to depression, to anger and back again. However, understanding this theory of behaviour gives both the family and the person dying the ability to cope more with the emotions they are experiencing.
Yet this grief from the family can also cause guilt in those who are preparing to die, thus making the transition more difficult than it might need to be. We need to be mindful that the person who is dying is in a transition period similar to birth; the preparation is been made for a new life on the other side. Just as a mother awaits the birth of her baby who leaves the spirit world to be with us, so others await our return to the spirit world; it is part of the cycle of life we are all part of. I once was told when leaving someone I had travelled overseas to see, not to focus on the sadness of goodbyes, because at the other end of the journey were the people waiting to greet us, so to focus on the hello's. I view death this way also. For them it is a celebration with loved ones waiting to celebrate their return home. It is us that are crying our goodbyes who are left behind. Perhaps if our society had this focus then people would have an easier time dealing with the death of loved ones knowing that it is only goodbye until we say hello to them once again. This understanding also makes it easier to deal with our grief and assists those we love to cross over peacefully and in joy.
In saying this, what are practical things that can be done when visiting a loved one who is dying? Firstly be honest. They know they are dying, so don't pretend otherwise. Treat them with respect and acknowledge what is happening. Be loving towards them and make your time spent with them about them. Say what needs to be said whilst that person is with you, tell them of your love for them, don't assume that they know. Even if they do, it is good to hear it from you. Of course tears are a natural part of the process. Talk to them about everyday events as life goes on and they are still with us until they have gone. Hold their hand, touch is a gift that is underutilised. Give them a gentle back rub or read something that would be of interest to them.
I know of someone who read books written by those who communicate with those who have died, and this aided both the person dying and the person reading the books to accept what was happening, and removes their fear of death and separation. Visiting regularly and being with them shows that you care. Also take time out for yourself, take a break if you need to, talk to your support network, and acknowledge your need to experience grief. However, don't miss this time as it offers a precious window of time which can't be repeated.
Peace and love be with you all.
Vanessa works in palliative care and is highly regarded for her caring and healing manner with both those who are preparing to return home and their families. We asked her to share her views on how this process can be made easier for those involved and thank her for her contribution.
(1) Berk, L.E. (2001). Development through the Lifespan, (2nd ed.), 2001, Boston, Allyn and Bacon.